The doctors told my mum not to have a baby. They said she wasn’t healthy enough. They said she wouldn’t be able to sustain a pregnancy.
Anyone who knows my Mum would probably use the word stubborn in a description of her. Along with caring, passionate & a cracking cake maker.
So, as we know she did it anyway & I’m here 30 years later.
I know that I was all she wanted. Her own little girl. She loved me fiercely, enjoying my younger years, raising me as a single parent with the support of family.
I remember her dressing me in some elaborate outfits – saving her non existent money to buy handmade items from ‘Sugar & Spice’. Tartan dresses & Caterpillar boots were my jam.
We moved house so many times that I lost count, I ended up moving from school to school (and even back again) during that time. I’m not sure how the government’s benefit system held up 25 years ago – but it didn’t seem to do us any favours.
Mum had Churg Strauss Syndrome (EPGA) – a rare & incurable disease, marked by blood vessel inflammation. The disease damaged her heart & lungs beyond repair. Because of the instability of the condition she couldn’t work – even on a good day. Inactivity didn’t sit well with her, so instead she volunteered her time to help others with various lung diseases.
I wanted to start blogging again – but it didn’t seem right to pluck a story out of the air, or write as if my background wasn’t important or relevant, because along with parenting, food & general topics I will talk about grief & the mad journey it takes you on.
To do that I needed to start from the beginning. This is part 1.
Writing it down holds some real power, I actually felt my shoulders sink as I typed.
So why… Is it ok to to allow that little voice in our minds to take us there. To allow toxic thoughts to seep in & float around.
‘I work too much’
“We just ate cereal for dinner’
‘Our routine isn’t stable enough’
‘I had to say no to Legoland to pay for the car repair’
GUILT.
I am a lone parent – a co parent – a parent in a long distance relationship – a working parent – a parent with a mental health disorder.
Each of these things brings a new kind of guilt, a new challenge & a new plate to spin.
I always end up questioning my time management. How can I change things? What can I move around? How can I be more present? How can I manage my time more effectively in order to eradicate my guilt.
Perhaps in order to push forward I need to learn to mange my guilt, instead of my time… because time is unchangeable.
I’ll let you know when I find out how; and I might write a post or two on the way.
It’s taken a long time to allow you to resurface in my thoughts without the pain of grief cutting wounds into me… but I was clearing out a drawer & I came across the letter you wrote me.
At first I put it back. I didn’t want to read it. The first time was enough for me… yet I couldn’t put it in the bin. Like yourself, in the form of ashes perched on my bookcase, and beautifully reformed into the gold around my finger, I wish not to part with any little piece of you.
So, instead of hiding it back in the drawer, along with my feelings, I thought i’d respond.
You see i’m writing this letter to you, because your letter, your last message to me… was all wrong. The letter was old, perhaps written in the time of my teenage angst, or your depression. The words were not of the person I spent our last two years with.
[Goodness me, I miss you.]
I know this because, there was no mention of your grandson. Your Jasper, the second light of your life. Your love for him was infinite, watching you, watch him was magical. Your lungs & heart were weak, but your laughter & love when around Jasper was strong.
You wrote that you ‘hoped I didn’t hate you too much’.
Mum, the time we spent together, after all our negativity had been diffused was the most precious thing to me. Our connection, love & our understanding of one another had grown beyond measure. I know, during then, the time of our lives, the question wouldn’t of even crossed your mind.
[It helps me, to know the intensity of the pain inflicted by your loss is merely a reflection of the intensity of our love.]
You said “you’re probably married by now…” don’t be daft; nobody has been so lucky yet. You created a strong (some would say stubborn…) Fisk woman, like yourself. We take some holding down.
You said ‘if you have children, care for them very much’. You told me everyday what a fantastic Mother I was. In fact, you told everyone who would listen…
Mum, i’d like you to come back and write me a new letter please. One that reflects the true ‘us’. Two completely individual females who just decided to spend less energy battling, and more energy just loving each other. Turns out we were absolutely spectacular at the latter.
I wish we’d done it sooner. I wish you were still here.
Mum,
I’m really good. For the first time in a long time, I’m really good.
I was on the train to London a couple of weeks ago, when it happened. When he called… He spoke the words that no Mother wants to hear. “We are on our way to the hospital.”
Now, you can’t leap off a moving train, nor press a button & turn it back around… so i remained calm as he explained what had happened.
It turns out i didn’t need to panic, nor jump on the first train back again… because he had it all in hand.
Accidents happen, toddlers are crazy. Jasper is a particular brand of wildling; climbing and moving at lightspeed. Perhaps somtimes we forget just how young, and fragile he acually is behind that almighty personality.
Then there’s his Dad. His wonderful Dad. We’ve not been a couple for a year and a half, but… i don’t know what i’d do without him.
He’s my co parent – my team member – my friend – my boy’s Daddy.
Together we put aside anything that was going to stop us raising Jasper in the most emotionally stable way. We wanted him to learn about realism, kindness and acceptance all at once.
We have an open line of communication – of course this brings about debates and disagreements – but we work through them together.
We have respect and admiration for eachothers romantic relationships. We believe the people we have both chosen to be with will only further enrich Jasper’s life.
We are kind to eachother. It almost sounds ridiculous. A point so simple that it need not be made. Yet it is a thing we, as humans, as lovers, as people who have created life together, forget so often.
I know that not every situation is set up to enable effective co parenting. I know relationships end from abuse, and dangerous circumstances, I know that sometimes one parent doesn’t hang around long enough to attempt to co parent.
However, if you can, if there is any chance you could work on enabling a co parenting relationship… then i urge you to do so.
It won’t always be bliss; there’s a reason you guys aren’t together anymore… but there’s also a reason you created life in the first place.
Lets spread positivity – lets watch our children absorb it.
What a rare thing – a morning to myself. I decided to take myself for a spot of brunch.
I chose a super local cafe [as I was absolutely ravenous] – The Mardle.
Without heading to the main ‘branded’ coffee shops it’s tricky to get a decent flat white coffee around here; but I heard The Mardle serve a strong contender.
Note – The Mardle accepts cash only.
The decor inside is bright, airy and full of character; although there is a slight contradiction between its modern and vintage features. The majority of tables were already taken, but I popped myself down on the last one spare & began to peruse the menu.
I opted for a flat white, and poached eggs with English muffins. The service was well timed, and friendly.
The eggs were perfectly cooked, the muffins soft & buttery… and the flat white… just lovely.
The brunch could’ve been perfected by adding some wilted spinach, or vine tomatoes to for a pop of colour and an extra dimension of flavour to the plate.
The cafe itself is a really nice place to relax, catch up with friends or get on with some work, with free WiFi, delicious smells and plenty on the menu.
They serve traditional breakfasts, pancakes & light lunches… homemade sausage rolls scones and cakes.
They even boast an afternoon tea, which (from the phone ringing off the hook) appeared to be booked up a way in advance.
It was difficult to resist this beauty on the way out… but I’ll be heading back for a slice very soon…
I absolutely love a food festival.. and the day out in Aldeburgh did not disappoint.
With my small human, my Aunty & my Head chef Ben in tow I headed down to beautiful Aldeburgh excited to spend the day eating and drinking; sampling some delectable local goodies & enjoying the last throes of the summer we have been blessed with.
I’ve picked a few of the best finds to show you…
So, let’s begin with The Tiny Tipple Company.. they couldn’t get any more local if they tried! (I even have their lovely niece work for me!).
Despite the ladies only living a stones throw away from me I confess I had never tasted the products.
I sampled the Strawberry Gin at the festival.. The colour was a deep and beautifully blushing red, the flavour intense.. a natural sweetness of strawberries, married perfectly with the bitterness of Gin. Perfect for a tipple on the rocks, or an addition to a glass of prosecco.
They also make Vodka & Whisky; free from anything artificial.. and the magic ingredient for me is.. the whole family (even the dogs..) enjoy getting involved in the process.
You can find The Tiny Tipple Company on Instagram – @thetinytippleco // Facebook – /thetinytipplecompany
My first stop for food was Bubble & Squid.
I’m a huge calamari fan & this little companies offering raised the bar completely. Cooked and seasoned perfectly, in a crumb so light & tasty I could’ve eaten double.. or more!
Teamed with a cold Sauvignon Blanc this was utter perfection.
Next was a fab little company called Bonallack Great Granola.
Found by Sara Bonallack, they slowly hand make award winning Granola using the best ingredients.
I sample the 5:2 Granola, a blend of 5 seeds, 2 nuts and a small amount of dried fruit – it was the least sweet of their range & had a wonderful rich flavour & unbeatable crunch.
Find them on Instagram – @greatgranola // http://greatgranola.co.uk/
My amazing find for the day was Lickety Ice for sure… they use all natural, fresh ingredients & really love what they do.
I’m going to struggle to describe just how much I enjoyed my lolly.
The founder of Lickety Ice also owns an amazing local bake house, so I was no stranger to his culinary skill – I opted for English plum & custard.
Unlike standard ice lollies the flavour was outstanding, and the texture of fleshy plums was a welcome surprise. With the frozen, creamy vanilla custard this ice lolly was no doubt the best I’ve had.
Jasper had a chidrens strawberry milk lolly & devoured it! My Aunty tried a fruity number made with Adnams Copper House Gin, and was extremely impressed.
Everyone loves fudge right? Those sweet squidgy squares of naughtiness… well – we found the mother of all fudge.
Yum Yum Tree’s Mango fudge is a fudgey revolution… fruity, creamy & so fresh tasting. We were sold!
I’m obsessed with anything salted caramel, so I added a bag (or two) to my order also..
They’re a family company – based in Suffolk, and you can see how passionate they are for their craft. Give them a wave on Instagram – @yumyumtreefudge // http://www.yumyumtreefudge.com/
The Suffolk Pate Company – http://www.thesuffolkpatecompany.co.uk/
We had a really fun day, lots to see, sample & explore. A paradise for food lovers & families.
Evening all…
I’m on the train, on the way to meet a guy I’ve been speaking to via tinder.
Aka – the Tinder date.
We’ll call him Hunter. (The word appears on a sign in his picture..)
We know very little about eachother, and haven’t been speaking for long.
What I do know..?
He’s well spoken, polite, ruggedly handsome & seems to have a mature disposition.
Where are we heading..?
Into the city to find some local hidden gems, full of character & good drink.
How do I feel..?
Calmer than I thought I would. Excited to be taking a risk & meeting somebody new; I’m enjoying the peace of a train ride alone & listening to beautiful music.. and ready for a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
(Playlist Link Below)
I remember being younger & entering the world of dating & love, being anxious & wondering what I could do to ensure the suitor would like me..
As I’m maturing; especially since having my son.. I’m becoming really comfortable with & enjoying who i am. I’m realising that not everybody will think I’m lovely. Not everyone will find me interesting, and not everyone will connect with me.
The most important thing I’m understanding is.. That’s ok.
Happy Sunday folks. I hope you’ve all had a smashing weekend so far.
I would like to write about a few things today.. So get comfy & grab your coffee (or wine..) I have mine.
Coffee Cup by Andrea Young – Wattlefield Pottery
I’ve not long been single & I’ve not been single for a long time, so I expected a few changes to the dating game.
I’ve been wondering about the opportunities we have to meet a potential suitor now & how they’ve changed over time.
Then…
Before the 1900’s dating could be considered a crime… a new and bizarre concept of a young man and woman meeting in public, him buying her food & drink.. it was veritable prostitution in the eyes of the law, and women could be arrested for it. (Mental Floss)
As we moved into the 1920’s – 30’s dating became much more common, and the offering of lavish gifts to potential female suitors began.
By the 1960’s, in alignment with women’s movements, and the emergence of the birth control pill, a sexual revolution began & the beginning of the ‘hook up’ culture. (Bogle, Kathleen.)
Now..
Today we have a multitude of options at our fingertips. The internet caters to every individual dating need, from ‘Uniform only’ sites, to places we can find local company for just one night, or a ‘sugar daddy’ to fulfil our materialistic desires.
Then of course there’s Tinder.
I downloaded the popular app Tinder after hearing so much about it & curiosity overcoming me. I decided I’d do it in the name of research..
Unlike other dating platforms, where users write a plentiful profile offering fluffy information such as star signs, pets & smarts, Tinder works on distance & face value basis where very little info is provided.
A swipe left instantly rejects the face looking at you, and a swipe right will grant you access to a conversation – if they swipe right back at you.
Many of us live busy lives, and have very little time to commit to searching for a partner, so this is a super quick, convenient method of meeting people nearby.
However… Are we getting a little swipe happy?! Could we be rejecting somebody who is actually very compatible on the quality of their profile picture…?
So, once you’ve ‘matched’ with somebody the opportunity to converse appears. Once the initial.. “Who messages first?!” Debacle has been overcome the real game begins.
The Traditional Way.
We’ve all seen it in the movies; they’re at the bakers; they both want the same loaf of artisan sourdough.. There’s one left.. Their hands touch.. Eyes meet.. Bam. They forget about the bread.
I began to wonder if this existed in real life.. Especially now, with the rise of online dating… Have we lost the meet cute?
I didn’t expect my question to be answered so quickly..
I met with my Mumma friends to visit a local county fayre yesterday.
We tried so hard to get this picture…
We paid for the mini’s to play on the bouncy castle.. While we had a natter.
I sat Jasper on a hay bale to take off his shoes.. He reached backwards & almost knocked over a cup.. I reached to grab it, and so did somebody else.
We’ll call him Raven (we were at raveningham fayre..).
Lovely dark hair, well kept beard & a smile to swoon at. We grinned at eachother like school children for longer than I’d like to admit.
When the bounce time was up I grabbed my mei tai & started to put Jasper on my back. Raven came straight over to offer a safety spot & start a conversation.
He quickly and subtly let me know he was single, we established some common ground in babywearing, smiled a whole lot & I left him my number with a view to meet for coffee.
I don’t think it was even 30 minutes later before I received a message.
The point is – Raven & I may not actually be compatible. We may not actually meet eachother again.. But we stepped out of our comfort zones, and out from behind our phones, and had a face to face conversation without having to swipe for approval initially.
It was atmospherical, gently flirtatious, and refreshingly exhilarating.
Does it matter?!
Does how we meet a person have an impact on the type of relationship we could potentially have?
Is it better to have a spark and then get to know eachother… Or get to know eachother online & then find out if there is a spark when you finally meet up?
If you’ve fallen in love with somebody..I guess it doesn’t really matter how you fell, just that you did.
Margo’s is one of those places I hear about frequently – but never think to visit… Until today.
The place was full except from a couple of tables, so we grabbed one & I pulled up a high chair for Jasper.
The decor is mismatch vintage/retro – bursting with colour & plenty to look at. Really visually pleasing.
The menu was plentiful – with quirky takes on normal dishes, such as lime Mayo & paprika seasoned chicken instead of plain.
Almost everything looked appealing & choosing was difficult… Although I did spot a divine banana & caramel cake on arrival with my name written all over it.
We decided to opt for a light lunch to share between Erin, myself & my mini human.
2 warm sausage rolls, a warm cheese scone, a pot of tea for two, a mini chocolate milkshake, a fruity scone with cream & jam.. And of course my Banana & caramel cake!!
The sausage rolls were delicious; beautifully flaky pastry & tender inside. The milkshake also went down a treat…
The whole experience was very enjoyable. The decor, service & food – all great. The price was fair to the standard of quality…
26 most of the time. Sometimes older, sometimes younger..
This is Jasper Ronnie Underdown.
He’s 19 months old, 19 months of wonderful. He makes me proud everyday.
Changes.
My life has changed a great deal… Becoming a mother has so much more of an impact on your true self than anybody will tell you. It’s a wonderful trauma.
I was only beginning to feel like an individual in addition to a parent.. And then, in November I lost my own Mother.
Carole Anne Fisk, what a women. Losing her turned my whole being upside down & changed me entirely.
The latest change in my life was becoming a single parent.
So this is an invite, to join me on my journey of discovery, love, parenting failures & freak outs… I’ll take you to great places to eat, and sometimes disappointing ones. We will share funny moments, awkward moments & more.
Theruthisonfire_ 